


you give me life

by inlovewiththeirlove (fieldofdiabolicalbutlovelykillers)



Series: Phandom Bingo [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Introspection, M/M, Mpreg, No Smut, Pregnancy, talks of abortion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 18:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16124327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fieldofdiabolicalbutlovelykillers/pseuds/inlovewiththeirlove
Summary: it doesn't happen like they'd expected, but nothing usually doesOr, Dan is pregnant and things are complicated.





	you give me life

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Phandom Bingo! The prompt was pregnancy!

“I’ll give you a minute, then we can discuss whatever you need to,” Dr. Chandra said. 

Dan’s gaze didn’t leave the file in front of him. 

He had already flipped through the pages twice but he did so again. 

The pages were heavier than Dan had expected. 

Droplets appeared on the paper in front of him. He swallowed, and it came out as an ugly noise.

He heard a buzz from his phone, it was Phil checking in. He didn’t pick up his phone, his hands started shaking at the thought. 

He took a sip of the water in front of him. It tasted bitter. He wondered if it would taste the same for nine months. 

Nine months.

The phrase transported him to a classroom. The smell of Axe body spray and teen angst was in the air, and all he could hear were the constant giggles of his classmates every time Miss Mulligan said the word penis.

She went on to describe pregnancy, both in men and women and Dan had grimaced at every word. His mum had been pregnant when he was younger, but he didn’t want to know the details, he shuddered at the thought of the alien process.

He had gone home that night and asked his mum if he’d ever be pregnant. She’d tilted her head and told him, “You’re lucky. We don’t have that gene in our family, only women have been able to get pregnant.”

He had bragged about it later.

The door creaked open, taking Dan out of his daydream. 

Dr. Chandra walked in a wad of brochures in hand, she made her way behind her desk and smiled. She was quiet, Dan felt awkward, wanted to break the silence.

If he talked, he feared he’d start crying again. Dr. Chandra wasn’t even his therapist and he wanted to limit the amount of people he bawled to.

Dan remained silent.

Dr. Chandra finally broke the silence, “Daniel, what are you scared of? You have options either way, there’s no judgement here.”

Her voice reminded Dan of his grandmother, soft and warm. He wanted to respond but only tears came out. Dr. Chandra nudged a box of tissues in his direction.

^^

An hour and some more crying later, Dan left the office and went straight to the Starbucks next door. He needed a refreshing drink to help process his day. 

The line was long and it would have been alright if not for the family that seemed to be never-ending right in front of him. 

“Ash, don’t hit your brother.”

“Caleb don’t pick that up from the floor and where’s Kaela?”

Dan tried hard not to glare at them, or to judge, though they took almost ten minutes ordering. 

He wondered if that would be his life in a few years.

He observed them as he waited for the drink. The mum looked exhausted, her hair overgrown and tied back in a messy ponytail. Her jacket had red sharpie marks on one sleeve and glitter on the other. The kids were in different states of disarray and she reminded him of Dr. Octopus, eight mechanical arms trying to keep things in order.

“Daniel,” the barista called out and Dan grabbed his pink lemonade and headed out. 

He didn’t know why he didn’t get coffee instead.

On his walk home, Dan looked around trying to distract himself but everywhere there seemed to be reminders. Reminders of what was happening to him. 

There was a family discount at his favourite Greek food place, the one that always gave extra dips for free if you asked, there was a pregnant man collecting donations for Save the Children. He walked by a group of school children on a trip, walking hand in hand with teachers directing them. 

That wasn’t even mentioning the amount of ads that lined the walls between storefronts. Dan didn’t know whether he was unobservant before or whether the universe had decided to play a prank on him but he saw reminders to family everywhere.

He pictured telling Phil the news, conjuring up images of every romantic comedy he had ever seen. The dramatic turn, the second where the protagonist is unsure and then, celebration, or disaster. 

He couldn’t imagine Phil reacting in any other way than pure joy, he’d smile or laugh or cry or propose. 

Dan threw the rest of the drink in a nearby trash can.

^^

Phil was fiddling with the camera when Dan walked in. Phil looked up and smiled at him and Dan returned it though he knew his was probably strained.

“What’d the doc say?” Phil came over to the door to greet him properly closing the door behind Dan.

Dan clenched his hand. 

“I made you some chicken soup, it’ll heal everything darling, though drugs will help.” Phil laughed at his own little joke and Dan tried to smile.

Phil made his way to the kitchen and Dan followed. Dan sat at the breakfast island as Phil grabbed a bowl for the soup.

“I need to say something,” Dan hoped it came out as less dramatic than the cliched ‘we need to talk’ but the way Phil paused, ladle in hand gave him indication that it might not have been.

He kept the ladle down and came over and stood in front of Dan. He kept a hand on Dan’s shoulder and drew circles with his thumb on Dan’s sleeve. Dan stood up too.

Dan took in a sharp breath, he had to do this.

“Phil, the doctor said that,” he paused for a second and then said, “I’m pregnant.”

He lost his balance a second later and ended being back in the seat. He had expected happiness but the tackle that he had only experienced once before from Phil was a shock.

A string of ‘I love you’s’ escaped Phil’s lips as he took in Dan for a kiss. 

It started slow, Phil placing his hand in Dan’s curls and leading. Dan almost moaned like he was a teenager again but he placed his hand on Phil’s chin and pushed away.

Phil was too ecstatic to complain, grinning ear to ear as he placed his hand on Dan’s stomach.

Dan had to control this, had to break the heart of the love of his life, tears were welling up in his throat again and in a whisper he said, “I can’t do this.”

Phil straightened up immediately but the smile didn’t leave his face, “You don’t have to do this alone, I’ll be here every step of the way.”

His fingers made their way to Dan’s and they interlocked. It was reflex how it happened, their bodies reaching out for each other on instinct.

“Phil, I don’t think I want this,” Dan stared at the floor as the floor as he said it, not wanting to see Phil’s face.

“We wanted a family. Dan, you wanted a family,” Phil’s voice croaked and he said the words with conviction almost trying to convince Dan of the fact.

Dan looked up and Phil’s smile had dissipated, “We’ve been trying... why didn’t you say anything?”

Dan swallowed. 

“I still want a family. I thought we’d have more time and when it happened, I thought you’d be the one pregnant,” Dan bit his lip through the sentence.

Phil let go of Dan’s hand.

^^

Dan’s mattress felt too soft under his body and his arms were prickly because of the cold. He knew he couldn’t get sleep tonight, though he was craving the warmth of Phil in the same bed as him. 

The empty space next to him was taunting him. If he was a better boyfriend, his night could have had a different conclusion.

Dan had wanted to sleep like they usually did but Phil had looked at him through red, puffy eyes and left to sleep in his own room. 

They still hadn’t spoken, both taking a different corner of the apartment and missing each other. 

Well, Dan spent those hours missing Phil. 

Phil might have spent the night missing his child.

Dan wanted to laugh, he got up and moved in front of his mirror. 

The dull light of the moon made him look paler than usual and he looked almost sickly in the mirror. He lifted up his shirt and examined his stomach. 

It looked normal.

He tried to imagine it bigger, he had an urge to grab a pillow and put it under his shirt like he used to for his videos. 

That was always a joke, one he never thought would materialize. 

He imagined an actual baby in there, a real person with thoughts and feelings, somebody who would look a little bit like Phil, maybe they’d have his eyes and Dan’s curls. 

He wondered whose laugh they’d have, whether they’d get Phil’s allergies or Dan’s height. He wondered if they’d like their dads.

He liked children, and they liked him too. Their friend’s kids all loved him, he was a giant playground for them and he liked talking to them but this felt strange. 

He couldn’t help but picture his own mum, years ago, 21 and six months before her wedding, suddenly pregnant. He didn’t know how she felt, whether she was ready, what his dad had said.

This was different. Dan was older, he should be happier.

He needed something to take the edge off.

Dan made his way to the kitchen and grabbed a glass out of the cabinet, he wanted a drink but settled for water. 

Even his drink choices would be dictated by this embryo. He sighed. There’d be no sushi either. 

Dr. Chandra had laid out some basics for him. She was hesitant to give too many details. She didn’t even call the baby anything other than an embryo. She wanted to let Dan decide whether he wanted to keep the baby or not. 

She had passed a brochure about abortion to him and told him to come to her with all questions.

Dan filled up his glass with tap water.

He was drinking and contemplating when he saw a light turn on in the hallway.

“Did I wake you?” Dan asked a moment later, when Phil walked to the kitchen.

“I couldn’t sleep,” he admitted.

Dan almost smiled. He was glad that Phil still needed him to fall asleep. Maybe he still wanted Dan.

Phil moved right in front of Dan and leaned in close. 

“I wanted to apologize, I was being a dick earlier.”

Dan didn’t know what to do with the apology, he was expecting the cold shoulder and when they were ready, they would talk and Lord only knows how they’d navigate that conversation. 

“I don’t want us to break up, call me selfish but I don’t,” Dan admitted

“Why would we break up?” It sounded so innocent coming out Phil, as if he didn’t know the reality of it. 

It eventually happened to everyone. One person wants a baby the other doesn’t. Whether they compromise or not, someone resents the other.

Dan’s stomach grumbled, interrupting them.

Phil smiled, “You want some food?”

“I can’t let you do this, I can’t let you take care of me, spend your life with me after I take away your dream,” Dan was rambling, but he didn’t want Phil to deflect reality. 

He wanted him to look in his eyes and give him honesty. 

“I can make my decisions and I choose to support you no matter what, you’re more important to me than anything-” Phil said, grabbing Dan’s hand.

“So you don’t want to be a father?” Dan shot back.

“I want to be with you. Always have, always will,” Phil looked directly in Dan’s eyes as he said it.

“Phil, let’s be real, this might be our last chance, you’re not getting younger and I wasn’t made for this, carrying it was your dream.”

“Them,” he corrects a moment later, noticing the wince on Phil’s face.

“Dan, this is your decision, if you want an abortion, I’ll support it. Listen, even if I never get to carry a baby, we can still have a child. We can adopt, I mean we can barely take care of ourselves, we can put having a kid on the back burner,” Phil had a surety in his voice.

Dan knew he was lying. Having a baby had been their goal for the last two years, Phil was ready. 

He could easily fall in love with someone else, people attracted to Phil like moths to flame.

He was funny, responsible, and so fucking kind. 

He could have a family.

All Dan could give him was his baggage.

Dan didn’t respond. 

“You don’t have to make a decision tonight you know, just know that I’m not that easy to get rid of Howell,” It was a cheeky line and Dan laughed.

Maybe right now, that was enough.

They slept cuddled into each other.

^^  
The next day, Dan woke up exhausted. It wasn’t the lack of sleep that affected him, it was different, he didn’t want to do anything.

He pushed himself to get breakfast, eggs and toast, and then immediately wanted to go back to bed.

He didn’t, instead choosing to help Phil film.

It was fun. 

For the first hour at least, then Dan began to notice, subtle changes in the way Phil was acting.

Dan would go to carry some equipment or move the furniture around to get the right shot and Phil would, he wouldn’t say anything but he would look at Dan with concern washed over him.

Phil suggested they take a break after a while, and Phil told Dan to relax as he put away the equipment.

Dan didn’t know how to not read into it. 

He didn’t want to be treated different, if this was a symptom of what the next nine months would hold,his decision would be easier.

Dan flipped on the TV during lunch and the ladies on Loose Women were talking about cute baby shoes, the camera zoomed into them, and that’s when Dan started crying.

He hated it, but Phil was there to give him a blanket and sit with him.

^^  
Dan called his grandmother later that evening, though he had no idea what he was going to say.

She picked up on it instantly, “Out with it, what’s on your mind, love?”

“Grandma,” Dan paused, unsure about it all, his grandmother was a religious woman but she was a grandmother before that, “I’m pregnant.”

Dan heard some shuffling on the other side of the phone, when his grandmother finally replied, it sounded hoarse as if she had started crying, “Why do you sound unhappy, darling?” 

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Dan admitted, letting tears spill of his own.

“Daniel, I never knew whether I could raise your mother and I was younger than you are now, but I knew that I wanted to, I wanted to hold her in my arms and see the smile on her face, I wanted to see her laugh and dance and grow up, and it’s a magical thing, but if you don’t want this then its better to decide now,” she said.

Dan didn’t know what to say.

“Love?” she asked when Dan didn’t respond.

Dan made a sound prompting her to continue, “You’re the first of the Howell men to have this gene and I remember you when you were younger, smiling like there was no tomorrow poking the cheek of your baby brother because you cared so much about him. You’ll be a wonderful father, if you choose, and that kid will have won the lottery to have you as a dad.”

They both sat in comfortable silence.

“Thank you, grandma,” Dan didn’t know whether that would be enough.

 

^^

Phil was in the bedroom, scrolling away on his laptop when Dan walked in.

“You good?” Phil asked.

Dan made a non committal noise and lay down on his back right by Phil. Phil’s hands in his hair were the biggest comfort. Phil didn’t ned to say anything, Dan knew from the gesture that Phil wanted to listen.

“I want to be a father.”

“Yeah?” Phil sounded earnest in his surprise.

“Yeah. This was never how I thought it’d happen you know?” Dan posed the question, he didn’t need the response to know Phil understood him. 

“I’m going to be honest, I wish things were different.

Dan sat up to look at Phil as they talked.

Phil ran his fingers across the trackpad of his laptop and Dan’s gaze moved to the screen. The website open sold maternity shirts for men, he looked back at Phil noticing the puffiness around his eyes.

“It’d be better if you were, for both of our sakes,” Dan added.

Phil shook his head, “Dan, I was looking at the maternity collection Gucci makes, for you, if that’s the road you want to go down. I’m going to be honest, a part of me, has always been fascinated by pregnancy, and for the past couple of years whenever an aunt in my psychic family has a dream about a pregnancy , I’ve hoped it was me, but I love and when I look at you, all I can think is how lucky I am to have you in my life, and the kid will be the bonus icing on the delicious cake that is my life with you.”

“It’ll be difficult,” Dan paused for a second , before staring at Phil again, “I’ll complain a lot, and you’ll be there thinking, I could do it better,” Dan raised his eyebrow.

Phil giggled, “I’ll still be there.” 

“We aren’t naming it Thor,” Dan continued.

“Nope we’re going with Wolf,” Phil deadpanned.

“Phil!” Dan whined.

“I also get to make as many placenta jokes as I want,” Phil continued, much to Dan’s dismay.

“You’re uninvited from the birth,” Dan said with a straight face and after only a moment they both burst out into laughter.

Laughter had given their relationship life, in a different world, it was hushed, under a blanket, in the warmth of a summer night where Dan didn’t want to wake his family. He had watched a video from a cool looking emo guy, and he had laughed.

He laughed now too, though now started a new relationship, one that would add one more to their family.

**Author's Note:**

> this was my first dabble with mpreg so lmk what you thought. You can read it on tumblr here:[x](https://manialester.tumblr.com/post/178550341066/you-give-me-life)


End file.
